Creating Attachment

Caseworker: We think she may have Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Me: What does that mean exactly?

Her: She may never make a real attachment to you. She may never be a "normal kid".

I laid there that night (all night) after having this conversation with our caseworker searching everything I could find on RAD. The first articles to come up weren't very promising. Names like "Timothy McVeigh" and "Jeffrey Dahmer" started popping up. We were pretty new to foster care at the time but I knew that there would be some sort of attachment issues with any child who has experienced the trauma of being removed from a parent, whether there was additional trauma or not. In our girl's case they had experienced very little human interaction when they were in the care of their biological parents. This lack of human contact is extremely dangerous to the brain of a young child. The things that most parents do naturally such as cuddling & eye contact are what help us form attachments to other human beings. A child that never receives this interaction will not form a proper attachment. It is believed that a child must make an attachment before the age of three or they may never have the ability to make healthy attachments. At the time of this conversation Ariya was nearing her second birthday. As I lay in bed reading everything I could possibly find about child attachment disorders I made the decision that I was going to educate myself on attachment so fully that Ari would defy the odds. Over the past months I had seen her resiliency and I knew that I had plenty of love to give. 

At an appointment with Ariya's doctor, shortly after she came to us, he said that she would not have made it much longer, she was giving up. Her blank expression and tiny little body had gone without food for too long but it was actually going without love that was killing her. 

Some of you are thinking, 'What about Nadia?', (Ari's younger sister). In many ways the girls saved each other. Ari had lived in this situation for a much longer time and she had spent much of that time alone (11 months). For Nadia, she had always had Ariya. Ariya kept them alive the best she knew how with the things she could find in the room they were in. Ariya still to this day (five years later) doesn't ever forget to care for her sister. When she goes to the doctor she asks for an extra sucker for her sister. She will not eat until Nadia has her food too. Every year when it's time for her "birthday date" with us she asks if her sister can go too and then picks out all the presents for her. While all of this is very sweet it is also very stressful for her.
We noticed right away the difference in a child who had not ever made a proper attachment. Ari looked at people as a means to an end. She would walk up to strangers and ask them to put on her shoes or get her food. She knew that adults were capable of getting her things she needed and that was pretty much the extent of her feelings towards them, including us. This can become a very worrisome view of humankind in an older child or adult. We need to have attachments to people to develop the ability to sympathize and empathize, an important skill set for all people.

Within the first year of having the girls I decided to revert them back to the way I would have taken care of them when they were newborns. I held them and gave them bottles. I rocked them to sleep, which took a very long time to make happen. They were both so used to self soothing that this was all so foreign to them. Nadia was only eight months when she came so she transitioned to this much faster. I spent hours every night putting them to bed. I held them all day. I had a strict regimen of essential oils I used three times a day. Geranium (the mother oil) on the heart, Frankincense (the father oil) on their feet & a calming blend on the back of their necks. I learned "rebirthing" techniques and "tapping". We tried Emotional Response Testing and used every natural therapy we heard of.  I used to sleep with blankets so they held my scent and I would switch them out when I had to wash the one they were using. I kissed them and hugged them more than any baby has ever been kissed or hugged.  

I will never forget the first time I knew that Ari had established an attachment to me. We had a three day business trip to Detroit planned and it would be the first time we would be away from the girls since they came. I had worked so hard to be consistent I was worried that Ari would regress the way she did each week when they had visitation with their bio parents. I made sure that our caregivers stayed at our house, put them to bed the way I did and used the same oils. The night I got back the girls were already in bed. Later in the night I heard Ari wake up and she was crying (which was a newer development). In the past when I would go in to check her in the night she was often scared and would curl up and hide her head. If I touched her it frightened her more. This time was very different, I walked in to the dark room and picked her up and she instantly melted into me, she knew me, she trusted me, she was calmed just by my presence. This was something I had somewhat taken for granted for years with my biological children until Ari came. As a mother I had experienced this instant calming effect of a mother, even in the dark when the only way they know it is you is through scent and touch. This time was different, this time it was Ari, the girl who might never make an attachment. I stood there holding her tight and sobbing as she fell asleep in my arms feeling like I didn't ever want to put her back down.
Today Ari might actually be my MOST attached child. She has been known to cry if I sit across from her at the table instead of next to her because she can't touch me. She greets me with the biggest hugs and would let me hold her all day if I could.
Attachment disorders are something I wish we were all more fully educated on. Not just foster or adoptive parents but every person. I would love to see a segment on attachment in our children's health classes. Teaching our children the importance of forming attachments and also helping those children recognize attachment disorders in themselves or even their family members could be a major step forward in mental health and wellbeing.